My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
