You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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