I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
