you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
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We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
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I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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