I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
