The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
