sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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