I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
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the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
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Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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