So drunk its hurt
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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