My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
