I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just took my morning after pill in the library
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
