Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
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