i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
