I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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