I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Drunk is a universal language darling
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
