Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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