it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
