i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
