I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
