I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
How external is "for external use only"?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
