god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Let's paint friendship bongs
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
