We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
