not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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