Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
