I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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