you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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