The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
