Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
