and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
