i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
