i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
