allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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