I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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