I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
