a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
