I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
