when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
