my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
