My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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