if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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