He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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