I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
