Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
