I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
