dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
