I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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