Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
