What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
