i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
