it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
