I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
a search helicopter?!
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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