I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
