If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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