i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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