You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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