last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
