i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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